February 27, 2009
Run time
Guest starring
Audacity Charles as Barack Obama
AT&T Mike as Joe Biden
Talkany Man as Tom Cruise
Chad Warden as himself
James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd
Chris Hansen as himself

"Master Chief Sucks at Constants" is the sixth episode of season 2.


The Arbiter and Cortana hold up the Ark's control room in a parody of Pulp Fiction.

Master Chief meets Obama and Joe Biden and tries to convince them to leave the Network and avoid the King before being sent to the present.

The Arbiter and Cortana manage to tell Master Chief to obtain a "constant," or a person who is in the past and present that anchors them in time, before he is sent back in time again. The Arbiter and Cortana encounter the King, who taunts them about the prophecy's possibility of failing before leaving them captive to Chad Warden, the Angry Video Game Nerd, and Chris Hansen.

Master Chief meets Tom Cruise and accidentally makes him join Scientology.

Sent back to the Network meeting, Master Chief meets the Arbiter and Cortana's past selves, inadvertently informing them both about constants and the prophecy, as well as the King being evil. The Arbiter asks when knowing what a constant is will ever come in handy, unaware he will tell Master Chief what they are himself years later.

Master Chief jumps back to the present permanently, having successfully found his two constants, but is met by the King when he arrives at the Ark.


Master Chief Sucks at Constants

Master Chief Sucks at Constants



  • Like the previous episode, Master Chief creates several predestination paradoxes: warning Obama, Biden, the Arbiter, and Cortana about the King; making Tom Cruise join Scientology; telling the Arbiter and Cortana about constants (which they themselves tell him about in the future); and telling them about the prophecy, meaning it is not a prophecy at all.

Production notes

  • Main character Hillary Clinton does not appear in this episode.
  • This is the first episode to use the font and size for subtitles that would become standard in all future episodes.

Bloopers and continuity errors

  • The Network is revealed to have split in 2005, only three years before Cortana's conversation with Master Chief, where she said the Network broke up five years earlier.
  • In 2005, the Arbiter says he recently joined the Network, but he actually joined in 1998.

Cultural references

  • This episode's title and plot refer to the Lost episode "The Constant," in which it is revealed that time travelers need a constant, or something familiar in both time periods, to avoid death.
  • Master Chief references Lost's version of constants by pointing out that characters on the show only get nosebleeds instead of having their brains explode when time travelling; the Arbiter says this is because Lost isn't real life.
  • The Arbiter and Cortana's hold up of the control room at the beginning of the episode is a parody of the famous opening scene of Pulp Fiction; even the opening titles parody Pulp Fiction's.

Episode references