February 13, 2009
Run time
Guest starring
Talkany Big Robot as CATS
Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson
AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard
AT&T Mike as Young King
Talkany Strong Man as Sergeant Johnson
Talkany Woman as Secretary

"Master Chief Sucks at Time Travel" is the fifth episode of season 2.


After a short "previously" segment, Master Chief and the Arbiter discuss the portal. The Arbiter says they must enter through a specific bearing, 269, or risk "side effects."

The Arbiter and Cortana enter the portal with a fleet of ships and are transported four months into future, where they find the Ark, a massive station floating in space. Cortana says the Ark can control space and time.

Master Chief enters the portal on the wrong bearing and is suddenly sent back in time to 1952, where he meets L. Ron Hubbard, who has just invented Scientology. Master Chief blames his predicament on aliens, prompting Hubbard to add aliens to the Scientology lore.

44 BC (As revealed in "Master Chief Sucks at Shopping")
Master Chief is sent to a different time before he can figure out what is happening. There, he meets a young McDonalds employee and encourages him to leave his job before getting sent to an even later time.

Master Chief overhears CATS and Jack Thompson describing how the King told them Master Chief is time traveling. They see him, but he gets sent to an earlier time before they can attack.

Master Chief then witnesses the King observing his own birth (as seen in Master Chief: The Movie) and is then spotted by Sergeant Johnson, who decides to use Master Chief's armor design for the SPARTAN armor, before being sent to an indeterminate time.

44 BC
Master Chief encounters the McDonalds employee again. The employee tells him that he quit McDonalds and founded his own restaraunt, Burger King. The employee then shows off his new uniform--revealing he is none other than the King himself. Master Chief then remarks "time travel is a bitch."


Master Chief Sucks at Time Travel

Master Chief Sucks at Time Travel



  • Due to predestination paradoxes, Master Chief is responsible for giving Hubbard the idea to add aliens to Scientology, influencing Johnson to design his own SPARTAN armor, and most importantly, causing a McDonalds employee to become the King.
  • The year where Master Chief meets the young King would not be revealed until season 3's "Master Chief Sucks at Shopping."

Production notes

Cultural references

  • When Master Chief says the expression "what's the plan, Sam," another SPARTAN says he doesn't know and Master Chief says he's not a part of the series. The other SPARTAN is Sam, Master Chief's son from Zombamazomba's Master Chief Sucks series.
  • This episode's "previously" segment parodies Lost's, using the show's "Previously on" audio and music from the show. This music and style of segment would become standard for all "previously" segments for the rest of the series.
  • Master Chief Sucks at Ordering's time travel is based on Lost, specifically the random jumps to different time periods. The sound effect used when Master Chief jumps through time is the same used on Lost. The idea of entering the portal on a certain bearing or risking time travel side effects is also taken from Lost; the Arbiter's comment that "there could be...side effects" is almost exactly what Daniel Faraday says in "The Constant" about leaving the island on the wrong bearing. Finally, Master Chief's closing comment, "time travel's a bitch," is spoken by Sawyer in "The Little Prince."

Episode references